THE DAWN HAS COME........

Death has always brought some sort of awe to the ones living and in their prime. Unless it comes close enough to be within the range of one’s material senses, it’s essentially a phenomenon known to exist only theoretically. Even its sheer inevitability doesn’t help much to allay the fears that its inexplicability carries. Yes….to most of those living, death is a cause of fear – so much so that even the mere mention of it is not desirable at times. The fear might be a just one – for it is determined by forces over which no-one can exercise any definite or effective control; but, times come, when, even during the supposed prime time of life, its practicality cannot be ignored. The realization might be just visual or auditory, a combination of the two; or even closer – and this is usually a time to brood over the phenomenon – materially and philosophically.

That’s my situation now.

Yes, there are high chances of the continuity of my life getting obliterated by some malfunctioning of the circulatory system, during the next 60 days – blame a congenital asthma, Indian roads and the unruly traffic. An accident caused the formation of a few clots, in the blood vessels feeding my brain and spinal cord. As per the current capabilities of medical science, they cannot be helped much. A hemorrhage is inevitable – though, it can be delayed by close to 35 years. However, the next 60 days are supposed to be critical, for the drugs would take time to show effect and a surgery can be dangerous at this stage.

Well! So, that’s it! Here I am… playing a cat and mouse game with the inevitable but one of the most dreaded phenomena…and…not much to my choice…I’m constantly brooding over it. It need not be mentioned explicitly, that it’s not any less scary or inexplicable to me than it is, to my fellowmen.

Thinking is good – in more ways than one. It helps to realize the fine, minute details of the subject under consideration. In cases where familiarization with the subject is difficult for sheer lack of the availability of facts, figures, precise knowledge and most importantly – experience; thinking is indeed a great way out!

Yes…I speak from experience. It has been of great help to me, in understanding quite a number of phenomena – the science of fluid circulation in the human body, the mechanics of the muscular movements that regulate the flow of blood in the finer blood vessels, the psycho-somatic effects of clots in the neural centers, the progress of medical science over the last few decades, the need for better roads and stricter regulations, the need for better trained hospital staff, the need for a common language across the country, the need to counter brain drain, the need for better infrastructure, the philosophy of permanence and transience, the difference between the material and the spiritual….and much more! Not that I had been unaware or illiterate about these things…but I had certainly not tried to tie this variety in a single thread. The realization that it might be too late before all these cease to be useful or relevant or stop making sense altogether; made each, a link of the same chain.

However, the most important, rather meaningful result of this brooding, is the realization of the difference between people – of individuals who matter, of the words that were fake, of the silence that had a language of its own, of artificial smiles that were sweet without being charming, of sincere rebukes and rebuffs solely seeking my correction, of calls at wee hours – when the voice at the other end warmly asked “How are you?”, of calls which ended with a cold “I’m busy now. I’ll call you sometime later”, of forwarded emails and IM chats….and…God knows what not!! The significance of each is being realized like never before……

My thoughts are losing their synchronicity…more and more…with every passing minute…At times, I have no clue about where they go….they steadily get painful for quite a while…and suddenly make room for some others……the cycle is repeated…as long as I stay awake…..

12 years ago, in June 1997, when Smita, my best friend succumbed to injuries caused by a similar road accident, all I had known was, that I had lost my friend – that from that day onwards I would have to walk to school and back alone, that there would be no-one to share the bar of chocolate, that I would have no-one to call out and show the butterflies fluttering in the school garden, that there would be no-one to share with after I would read a book, that from then onwards there would be no 3-legged races for me… and that I would have to look for some means to pass my evenings! Since that day I have been missing Smita….nobody has been able to fill the void created by her absence, through 12 long years. I miss the sincere concern and the care – neither have I been able to extend the same to anybody else. Smita’s death haunted me – I lost faith on Life altogether! For as long as 12 years, I have been dragging myself – taking one moment, one day at a time……longing…for an end to the pains of absolute solitude – since Smita left. Seems the day is near…..

My workplace???
Well! … That’s not a matter of much concern. I have already informed people there that I would be discontinuing. My replacement is in place; it’s just a matter of formality that my name still remains when the names of the team-members are listed down. There are little or no chances of my colleagues facing any difficulty whatsoever… The only possible situation that can cause them some botheration is a hemorrhage rocking me during these 60 days…rather during the first 30 days of the ‘critical period’…after that, I shall be gone from here, for all official, rather practical purposes. So that front is handled fairly well.

Office as a whole…the larger picture…
Yes…that’s important! Through 2 long years, office has been the place, around which, my joys, sorrows, exuberance, gloom, excitement, sincerity, decision, precision, finesse, voice, silence, passion – all have revolved. It’s really difficult to imagine life without office now. To complicate matters further, my relationship with my office has been one that extends beyond ‘work-for-pay’; it has helped me earn a certain confidence to face the world in its various facets and roles – something that I had known to exist only hypothetically; quite understandably, therefore, I share a kind-of fulfilling relationship with my office.Yes…I have met individuals who have lived through the transitions between address books – who have been more than just colleagues – people who have been genuinely concerned about me, without judging me!Most of them know about it now. They were shocked when I first told them; it’s fine now though – the initial storm has settled. They should take it now…without much thrust.

Home......
I don’t know…I didn’t tell them anything till now…My parents…they have crossed 50…that’s not a very safe age-group! Telling them would be risky…there’s nobody to help them bear the shock.Moreover…what good is it going to bring? They cannot do anything about it, except getting worried; to add to it….our geographical separation makes it more than just difficult to get near each other at short notice. That’ll make matters worse for them – accepting helplessness might turn out to be a far much difficult task than absorbing the shock smoothly!I don’t know…..I don’t want to bother them …that’ll be risky!And with the current poise of equations…it’s all the more useless. I mean…they’ve done for me whatever they had to…my upbringing and education. Now that I have earned a certain capability that bears a trademark of absolute self-sustenance and independence – howsoever commonplace or incomplete that might actually be – it’s improper that I seek support from them…I should be able to handle it.

Friends…..Well…at times I just cannot comprehend them.
I usually don’t yield to peer pressure, possibly that could explain the smallness of my circle; but I couldn’t help it this time…I don’t know why…or how! Perhaps because…it came from individuals….whose presence I have valued….I informed my mother about some petty accident that I faced….and spoke about it at quite some length to a doctor in the family…Mom was a little worried….she has collected herself now – I told her that there’s nothing to worry about – that I have resumed office and that I’m fairly into the shove. She’s convinced about my being ‘out-of-danger’. The doctor fellow is a pain…he talks of shifting to US for the treatment! "The clots must be melted soon…and the technology support is not available in India…my uncle’s son’s nephew’s daughter-in-law’s brother’s ……. blah…blah…blah….stays there…it won’t be a problem at all!...."
Might be…might be not!!!

There’s no-one to paint a masterpiece like ‘The Last Leaf’ for me!
Even if someone’s there….what would that poor soul paint?? There’s nothing…absolutely nothing…that I am looking forward to….to live for. I have had enough …. of Mother Earth and her wonders…….. now ….all I really want…is a free chat with all who helped it happen this way…

That reminds me of a teacher at school…

She was one of the firsts…whom I had valued…after my parents. She taught us Mathematics and Computers…and she was one reason why I loved the subjects!I was too young then, to articulate my realization in clear words – she had hope when I didn’t, she had a light when I could see nothing but darkness, she had energy when I ran dry…! She was the one, who, apart from my parents, had given me the strength to live through Smita’s demise. I never liked shedding tears before the world – I always felt it to be a cheap means of seeking attention; but…she had said – “Let them fall…else they’ll drown you..”…and I had cried…till I could cry no more. She had been there all along….to wipe my tears off my face…to massage my palms when my lungs gasped for air…

It was then that she had said – “It’s not Death that took Smita…it was the lack of Will…HER Will… to Live! …As long as you have the Will to Live…nothing can kill you….. I have lost Smita…Promise Me…that I won’t have to lose you in a similar way…Death is not extinguishing the light; it is only putting out the lamp because the dawn has come..." ....and….I had seen tears in her eyes. I had promised her…that I would keep going…come what may.

An inclination overpowers me….an inclination to talk to her…to hear her voice once…before the clots enlarge and cause the incorrigible…
I dial her number… I’m scared… What should I tell her??....
“Hello dear…” – yes…it’s her voice…
With painful efforts, I bring the words out of my vocal cords –
“Miss….I faced an accident…doctors say………that my days are numbered…but….you don’t worry Miss; I still haven’t lost the Will to Live – the hemorrhage won’t happen – I assure you of that. Miss…I’ll certainly live through this; just give me a little time. Let medical science continue with its own deficiencies – it cannot affect MY Will to Live – and it’s fairly powerful Miss….no hemorrhage can affect me adversely. I’ll meet you this Christmas Miss; keep my cakes and pies ready” – I am stunned …. I didn’t know that I would be able to utter those words so easily….I mean….the strength in my voice is recognizably greater now…

Wait!
Did I say that there’s marked lack of synchronicity in my thoughts???
It’s good to be asynchronous at times…

Yes…I certainly have a huge reservoir … of the Will to Live!