It's Time……to REMINISCE
JJ
An important chapter is drawing to a close….steadily!
It had started two years ago. I had barely attained the age of 22 then. Overloaded with high hopes and great aspirations, I set out to face the proverbial 'real world'; armed with just a paper, which had a few fanciful words written on it, forming a weighty arch along its breadth. Below the arch were a few more words – effectively providing the details about the complete formation of the arch. Grave lines defining the margins added to its overall vitality. The superior quality of the paper, the fine calligraphy and the bold and catchy color scheme gave it a very special appeal; seeming to enhance its importance. To a nascent adult's eye, it was a work of Art! ……And indeed it was…..a work of ART that took four complete years of effort to take shape!
Though the efforts put in through the four long years were the result of a trade-off between socio-economic security and pure intellectual inclination yet I was a proud owner! It was my identity, perhaps more – it was ME!! So great was its bearing, that at times I staggered to keep my poise! Somewhere, it instilled a certain degree of superiority complex – over many others. Usually a reserved person, I never thought twice before exhibiting it. Strange was its aura!
With a little money in hand and warm good hopes flooding my senses, I set out. The new destination was miles away from home. For the first time in 22 years, I saw my mother disturbed. Before that, I had seen her worried, on numerous occasions……Worries are natural from a mother – like all others, I knew she cared for my social and academic well being – hence the worry. But this time it was different. She was more than just careful. During the 18 hours of the day that I stayed awake, advices like "Take food on time", "Don't lay off work for the next day", "Take time to learn the ways of the new place", "Learn to divide your attention according to importance of issues", "Don't let your heart rule over your head – the world you are going to enter is concerned only about your head's capacities….", "Give people their spaces – try not to interfere in matters like smoking and drinking – they are considered to be strictly personal choices", "A smile, a 'Good Morning', a 'Thank You' or a 'Sorry' won't cost you anything…be generous with those", "Speak less and listen more", "Share your Chocolates…"……and many more……seemed to cut off all other sounds in the vicinity.
It began……the radiance of exuberance almost blinding!
However, on practical terms, it was a bad start. Nothing seemed to click. The initial excitement faded very soon, leaving me thoroughly disgusted. Depression loomed large. Not that the World came to an End….but at that precise time, it was dark – one of those nights when fierce clouds overshadow the moon and the stars, the storm cutting through one's flesh, leaving painful bruises all over…….and it dragged long….long enough to drain out all energy and motivation to continue! It seemed that the earth had stopped rotating…… that dawn would never come! The wounds were so deep that even after a conventional cure, the very recollection of the pains, is equivalent to reliving the experience.
Perhaps that's just another one of Life's many incomprehensible ways!
Days passed….Months changed to years.
Work came and went – more often than not, demanding more than what I gave. Intent on building the relationship, I had a good time nourishing it, allowing it all the space and resources to mature and flourish. Weeds did come up – threatening to cut off the essential light, air and water; I diligently removed them. Honestly speaking, that was my first experience of sincere hard work – in the truest sense of the phrase……and it was Enjoyable…….ENJOYABLE to the core, I mean!!! I was almost intoxicated. The pain inflicted during the first few days saw a remarkable subsidence. I met people who shared my wavelength. 'Decent Contentment' is the appropriate description of my entire psycho-somatic state during those days.
Then came a sharp blow. The tree flourished and bloomed well, but the fruits came bitter. With support from a selected few, I tried some caramel garnishing – that turned out to be nothing more than grains of sugar, sprinkled unevenly – owing to the lack of perfection in the co-ordination between the thumb and the index finger. A little sweetness was added, but it was noticeably synthetic – that reduced the palatability significantly; even the natural bitterness seemed to be better than the artificial sweetness at times! Swallowing seemed to work for a while……but not for long. A time came when I was left with no other option but to stop.
It is tough. Two years is a long time. The hour long journey from a hired lodge, the wait and the shove in the various means of public transport, the hours spent looking at the monitor, the long calls with the overseas counterparts, milk and cornflakes turning out to be the only decent dinner for days at a stretch, the wait for the weekends – when a good part of the expatriate regional community could be found at an eatery serving the specific regional food, the IM chats with the person sitting at the next desk, bicycle rides to beat the stress, wishing I had practiced what my mother preached each time a not-so-easy situation came up……all these have become a part of my Life.
During the last two years, I have been through tracts that are bare and silent. Then, there were the lush green ones where my busy days had their light and air.
What will I be without all these? I have no idea as to what can be a satisfactory answer. Many suggested patience, till I found one. Call it anything….that's not to be. The phenomenon has successfully taken an overwhelming hold on my being. I cannot continue to cling on to it and simultaneously seek something new. I need the answer – it had never been as important ever before……but to seek it sincerely, I must get out of what engulfs me. It's a whole new world. I have a lot of exploration to be done. Further exercise of patience here, can bring in a parachute effect.
Well……I need to set out on a new task now.
Along with the paper that made my world two years back, I now have quite a few enriching experiences. An infinite resource….to be drawn from!
Now…I dream of a star, an island of light, where I shall be born and in the depth of its quickening leisure my life will ripen its works like the rice field in the autumn sun.
Crossroads are usual in the enormous mess of routes presented by Life. May be somewhere, sometime……I'll meet old faces……who helped make my route, what it is today J
Destiny grants us our wishes, but in its own way, in order to give us something beyond our wishes.
So Long….Farewell……….. J
